the only routine in our house is the routine of love..

days fly by at warp speed and Caden is the size of some toddlers. At 29 inches and almost 21 pounds at his six month check up, his height has him in the 99th percentile. His personality is forming, he is exceedingly happy, bursting into smiles and giggles at the slightest provocation. The sight of his bottle brings grunts and squirming; and he remains obsessed with leaves and trees. He stares intently into my eyes and breathes life into me. At 41 I feel more present than I did as a mom at 28, fully comprehending now that each moment is once in a lifetime. He is everything and a zillion more than I prayed he would be....

my daughter adores her baby brother, sings to him, captures him on video and in photos, and his gratitude is obvious in how his face lights when he hears her voice.

The only routine in our house is the routine of love....

in my fantasies i have a maid, a chef, a driver and a live out nanny. What i didn't bargain for was in my real time life, I am all of the above. :) with major help from my superhero aka my boyfriend. He does the man stuff ( insert trash/paint/heavy moving/kills anything with a lot of legs) and the really really important - telling me i'm still beautiful in faded sweats, encouraging me to work out and stay with it when i was much more interested in my couch, telling me i am a great mom/girlfriend - and hanging out with my son for two hours every morning, so he doesn't have to be in daycare as long - ah...I know I'm a lucky gal.

anyway, it the last few months while not writing, i've battled sleep training/breast sagging ( still an issue:) /depressed days/forgetting everything except my name...

side note - my 13 year old looked at me and said - " please don't become a cat lady"

and this is my life...-)

back to work...oh how i miss my little guy...

his giggles when i dance, his grunts while sleeping, his humming while eating....the big eyes watching my every move, conveying so much more than he has words to say..nuzzlng my face in his neck crevices...that gaze that says...

I love you like no other mama.

now im blessed that i have a great job to return to, a supportive boss who's first question on my first day back was..." how are you doing? are you ok?

knowing as a mom herself that day one away is not the best time ever. I admit I cried all the way to my exit to work...not out of worry, but hoping that i had created enough memories in his bank that would sustain him so my place in his heart was solidified...

the daycare find was blessing number #2...right up the street, wonderful owner who called me a few hours later to tell me he was fine, ..and that if i wanted she would call me daily...

I said thanks...

so that afternoon when he dad dropped him off and i saw his eyes tell me i love you, and his face break into that familiar grin...all was right in my world.

and that's a very very good thing.

drink coffee or sleep? oh yeah and now my cat hates me..

my cat is out of food...I've gone to the store three times in the last fifteen hours and all three times the cat food, ( the starred item on my list) is the ONE thing that I come home without..so the cat is sniffing our bar stools, eating the gladiolas and giving me the mean cat stare. But the baby is sleeping, the teen is sleeping, my boyfriend is sleeping...which means...

i have silence..

Cat will have to wait.

I'm recovering from a nice little bout of mastitis, also known as a breast infection, which gave me my first fever in two years, and reaffirms my recurring thought that while breastfeeding is tremendous for my son, it is hell on wheels for me. I consider it my ultimate gift.

I dance with my son, whisper a million i love yous in his ears that i reason will tide him over while I'm at work until i can rush home and see his eyes focus in on my face and that perfect gummy grin....reserved for me...

seems like a minute ago it was a girl instead of a boy i was staring down at, and it was espresso brown instead of gray eyes studying my face for validation and eternal love....

i see feet kicking in the bassinet, and I'm almost out of flowers...

still getting the swing of this...multiple kid thing..

not Kate Gosselin multiple, one plus one type multiple. I am finding there is a big difference between one kid and two kids......HUGE difference between one 13 year old and a newborn AND a 13 year old. My last month of maternity leave I am determined to get this mother thing down.. I WILL not show up to doctor's appointments three days late, I will not forget the items for my daughter's science project, I will remember the grocery list when i go shopping, and I will not get sidetracked by how flipping cute my son is...( i lose precious hours lost in his smiles..)

Instead, I finish my to do list with time to spare, dishes clean and put away, laundry baskets with nothing but lint..and a baby soundly sleeping in his crib... this is what I aspire to..

oh yeah, and I want to work out and be fit again and fit back into my jeans..I actually started the P90 X series, designed to over the course of 90 days...assist me in getting my sexy back, and on day four i have one recurring thought...

i like eggo waffles alot better than edamame.

In no particular order i have found new appreciation for -

the word anti aging

nightlights that keep me from tripping in my bedroom in the middle of the night..

le mystere nursing bras...allowing me to have a little lace in my human cow life

clothing that hides barf ..self explanatory

tv stations with a three to five am lineup....

baby wipes...suddenly handy to have all the time

flip flops =my bff

extra super thick mosturizing lotion...yep scales belong on snakes..

dimmer switches...

as i type my milk alert is happening...baby is hungry..blogging must wait...

while i go pull the milk truck up for my baby:) he's the one on the right in the brown...

till next time..

baby is here..fog is lifting..sort of..

having babies is not for the faint of heart, or the sane. On September 1st at 5:06 am my son entered this world fourteen days early and I joined the ranks of the walking comatose. Thankfully the mind allows you to forget exactly how the combination of childbirth, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, and the eupohoria of it all is enough at any given moment to make you collaspe where you stand. Sleep leaves your house as quickly as you depart your own bed for the couch. I dream of getting my sexy back but staring at my still plump figure in the mirror...understand that it will take more than hard wishing.
Baby sleeps and like most moms I stare caught in the rapture of my miracle, forgetting that precious sleep minutes are ticking away never to be seen again..my once pristine house now is worthy of a clean house makeover but all i can do is..
drink another soda and lean back further on my couch aka bed.
Did i mention I had a c section?
Yeah, about that. The shaking on the table, hearing my doc say " now stay really really still for the next ten seconds.." while he has my stomach open.. a little un nerving. Who knew this pain would have me longing wistfully for a vaginal birth?
Oh and my baby is wicked cute.
Although my skin is drier than a cactus, i keep drinking soda, because I can, and right now, fitness and health isn't my top priority. I eat when i can, what i can, and currently it's better than prior to birth, but not by much. As the haze disappates my desire to be fit and trim returns...

hurry up and wait syndrome, also known as..my baby's quite comfortable..

where he is.

In the last two weeks, I have called the doctor three times after hours and visited the hospital once in the middle of the night.

Yesterday I came close to taking on my OB doctor's office lead appointment maker, or whatever the hell her title is, who was too curious and not enough helpful.

It was hot, I wanted to see the doc and she seemed oblivious to the fact that 37 weeks pregnant, comes with a free pass to irrational land. Logic left during the second trimester.

Of course my due date hangs on my calendar more enticing than a Neiman Marcus yearly half off sale, but each day that brings that elusive day closer,

comes less sleep, more weight, and the oh so super fun..

pregnant waddle.

I'M NOT A DUCK! I DON"T WANT TO WADDLE!

I want to sleep on my stomach, have my hair do what I instruct it to, wear just one pair of shoes my feet don't slide into..and not have to be pushed in order to get up from my couch.

yet I know that I gave up these inalienable rights back on January 5th when that little bitty white stick revealed two blue lines.

STILL!!!

while i go slightly insane, my baby continues to be remain above the fray, choosing instead to sleep his way to his birthday, when not having drum sessions and football practices in my belly.

yeah i love it.

But I've cleaned the corners, folded, creased, washed, waxed, worried, screamed, cried my way to the finish line...

almost.

leg cramps and buckets of tears, and baby brothers

It was a wonderful day yesterday, all the way until, the switch turned and out went happy and in began waterfall number one of the week..reason not important or sensical. That lasted for about two hours until my explanation of why I was crying caused even me to laugh..

welcome to the home stretch. where logic has left the building.

I think back to every woman I know mother to more than one child and I want to personally call her and tell her...

she's insane or my hero.

back to the early am leg cramps...such fun...if going to the bathroom three or four times a night isn't enough, or the 2 am kickboxing class my son teaches...after all,

sleep is for sissies..and I am a mom..

and will there be a day when sleep finally returns..when my son is a toddler.. ?

THAT'S A QUESTION!!!!!

he has chubby cheeks like his daddy and my chin. and he grins alot ...thanks ultrasound..

his big sister is ready and dying with anticipation and i remember a similar feeling when my baby brother popped into the world, 11 years after me.

and I will walk, clean, eat, bathe, laugh, talk to my friends AND

sleep.

just maybe not all in the same year.

btw..that's my little brother on my lap..he's 6'4 now.