Thursday, April 30, 2009

my baby keeps me sane..

some days i wonder whether i have lost my mind completely..between the fatigue, working a full time gig, juggling a pre teen, there is very little time left in my world for me...myself...without somehow feeling selfish..and complaining really doesn't work, after all no one wants to hear a pregnant woman's woes..( most think we wanted to be pregnant so...)
the rainbow in the midst of the storm is my baby thump, kick, tickle giggle, reminding me..that all of this isn't a big merry go round of nothing..i am growing a little guy who is depending on me, and sending me his smiles via an elbows below my belly button...
and my 12 year old when not being over her mom does all and everything that a big sister should..washing dishes for me, cleaning up, climbing in bed next to me and showering my neck with her kisses...
I know God knows what he is i am trying to fall in line and be stronger than i am weak most of the time..
but when all i want to do is sleep and daydream.....
such is modus operandi for a thursday...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Do you know your child?

Do you know your own child?

I think I do. On most days that is. She’s beautiful, witty, athletic, outgoing and super tenacious. She’s exacting, punctual, and hates breakfast. She thinks there should be a moratorium on euthanizing animals. She quotes Kimora Lee Simmons and says thank you to beggars and bums when they hold the door for her. But she’s not popular. In fact, she avoids lunch time by hanging out in the computer lab, so sitting alone won’t be so obvious. She pretends the jokes made at her expense don’t sting, although she can’t help but listen to the discussions about birthday parties she wasn’t invited to. It’s happened for the last two years so continually that at times I have grown dull to her pain, because on most days much like most pre teens, she hides her hurt well.
Last night was different, and sadly, I almost missed the window to comfort her. My day was less than stellar, and I was hoping to slink into the house, and be bare minimum mom for the night. Say hello, hug, cook, small talk, bed for her, some peace and rest for me. While I washed dishes, I saw that glance shifting in the silence, waiting for me to offer her space. I turned away, even as she asked me to come sit and talk to her. I wanted it, whatever it was to wait another day.

She sensed my closed door and relented, picked up a book and withdrew. The gleam in her eye gone, and there she was, just my little girl who needed me more than I needed to be alone.
I wrapped her tall as me body in my arms and the tears started immediately, sobs caving her shoulders so much that I had to clench my own jaws to avoid crying.

“Why don’t they like me mama?” Everyone has at least one friend except me”

I rattle off a few names of girls that she occasionally mentions.

“They only like me sometimes. “

“I think you are perfect, and strong, and wonderful.” I say, knowing it’s not enough.

“They act like I don’t have feelings mom”

I let her share all her pain with more detail about her aloneness than I want to know. This is my first born and joy and all I can do is hold her, wondering if the parents of the children who cause this hurt..Know who their child is.

Because in a flash, I almost lost sight of mine.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

karate chop kicks, 19 weeks, loss of sleep and lots of joy

He likes when I recline on the couch with my feet up, that seems to illict the most response from him, but last night was daughter was laying on me, hand on my stomach, and her brother gave the strongest kick to date like " hey big sissy did ya feel that??" She jumped up, yelling excitedly " Mom I felt it!" to which her brother responded with a few more karate chops to confirm his presence..

Call me crazy but I am already learning his personality, and I know that he will be much like his dad and his sister, calm and a watcher, very content...somehow he quiets my fear and lets me know we are all going to be okay.

My belly button is turning into an my daughter observed, and while I am not in full on waddle walk, I do see no reason to return to heels.

I wish i could sleep past 6:48 am...have a feeling that may be the bewitching wake up hour for my boy..and he is preparing desire to eat leafy greens and lots of fruit has left and now, I have to force myself to not eat sour cream and potato chip constantly...oh how i miss red wine...

I am going to put on a bathing suit today and let the 19 week stomach hang out in all it's glory..

Saturday, April 11, 2009

a half pound and 8 inches long!

My doctor said we are going to have a long big baby boy! He was moving every which way, showing off for his dad, since it was his first ultrasound appointment..I thought on several occasions he was going to pass out... big difference from seeing a picture of an ultrasound and seeing THE ultrasound in real time... Our baby likes to wave, ALOT..while on his back, his side, and any other way that he can think of, all the while kicking his mama...

I can feel small flutters and outright kicks..his favorite space is right below my belly button on the right, mvoing over to the left side for the night time...

I have said goodbye to all but one pair of my pre maternity clothes...a pair of 27 inch True Religons, and those are barely a fit's onward to the dresses, and the like, since I refuse to buy maternity garb, just don't like it!

But what I do love, is being pregnant. Even when it sucks, and I can't get comfortable, my nose is congested and the fatigue rules,

I only think of that little face inside of me working overtime to grow, and all of sudden,
all is right in the world again...

Friday, April 3, 2009

not superwoman..this week at least..

All week I have been doing my version of “I think I can I think I can” ..reminding myself that getting pregnant is a blessing and not a curse, just because I am not married. Last Saturday my belly popped out, at sixteen weeks, so like that, I went from barely looking pregnant to pregnant. The belly opens up the door for the entire universe to comment on the state of your pregnancy.

“Wow how far along are you again?”

“Make sure you get checked for gestational diabetes”

“Talked to the father lately?”

“I could never do what you are doing. Ever. You are like superwoman”

Usually, maybe, sometimes, but not this week. In fact, I have carefully searched my apartment for my cape only to come up with nada. My 12 year old is gone for a couple of weeks visiting her dad for Spring Break. It’s just me in a pair of Nikes, running a little faster than this cold, and our cat Sunset.

The phone hasn’t rung this week with a call from the dad. I only gained a pound in the last four weeks, just seems it’s all in my belly. And as my breasts expand even further, I attempt comfort by a trip to Old Navy to get some clothes more in line with my current size.

I end up crying silently in the dressing room, picking up the mediums and large size dresses that fit. This sucks alone. Especially right now.

I have a pity party in my head back to the car, and then I sit in the car for about thirty minutes.
I rub my stomach and tell my son how my I love him, and to ignore mom’s momentary insanity. I tell him every single good thing I can recall of his dad which takes a while.

I tell myself screw the cape and get over it..there will be a lot more days a whole lot tougher than this one. I knew that going in.

So I dump a bag of fear and a smaller suitcase of loneliness out the window. For now.

And drive home.