Thursday, March 26, 2009

exhausted and comatose..that's where you'll find me

I spend most of my days somewhere being exhausted and comatose. Waking up tired is chic and my appreciation for all things take out has returned. My inner Martha Stewart folds and creases endless pages with great sales ideas and all the stupendous projects I am going to tackle..tomorrow. I have notebooks to organize my notepads and lying in bed nightly solve the problems of small countries . I condemn the laundry with a stern look and refuse to be lured by it’s continual growth, setting an alarm on my blackberry to check out full service wash dry fold places.
Daily I cart my gym bag to work, remembering how great I felt two months ago when I slipped on my Nikes. More energy, more stamina, and no droopy butt. However, lunch is infinitely more enticing and what’s 20 stinkin minutes on the bike going to do anyway? My body continues to shape shift in preparation for baby landing aka birth. Potato sacks and burlap soon will be my only viable options, as the breasts continue to make their case for soverign nation status. I spend whole hours staring at black and white grainy ultrasounds, fascinated by my baby boys face already. I cry for everything and nothing, laugh and talk to my stomach knowing I am heard.I dig in my daughter's ears in public, lick my finger to get dirt off her face, and just like that, I am my mother.
Pregnancy brain loss surfaces when I return to the parking garage clueless about my car's location. Sexy underwear left with my waistline and in it's place a worn Sox jersey and my used to be too big sweats. I'm officially hot.I scroll through my 12 year old daughter’s phone contacts and come across my own name saved under mom. And just like that, I am cured for the moment, from the over everything and underliving blues. At least until tomorrow.

Monday, March 23, 2009

amazed at the assumptions people make

My father is a red haired Irish man, my mother a Monacan Sioux, dutch black woman. I was raised and continue to be nurtured and blessed by the best parents on the planet. Marriage in my family is the norm, and I can't think of anyone in my family besides myself who is a single parent. Despite my liberal upbring in Massachusetts, I have been an active member of the Republican party since I was 21. I didn't finish college but have worked my tail off to get to the place where I have a pretty comfortable standard of living. My daughter is a joy,beautiful, kind,intelligent and her dad and I have always joined forces to give her the best we can from two different homes. It was very difficult coming home the first time unwed and pregnant, more so because I felt I had let my parents down and I didn't want to become a statistic. So even when times were very hard, I worked three jobs, maintained home and joy and believed even when I couldn't see it that hard work and determination can get you out of most situations.

I never planned on another child unmarried, but morally abortion was never an option. Financially I am capable, and I feel that part of the problem of our society is the throw away mentality. Don't like what you did, take a pill, ignore it, blame someone else. Do anything but face your own choice square in the eye. I tell my daughter that while she can survive any situation, God intended for parenting in the best case scenario to be done with two parents and not one.
Daily, however, as I blog on various topics throughout the web about my single pregnancy, people make the assumption that as a woman of color having her second child, I must be headed for or already on welfare.
I am the first to denounce lazy people- black white, red green single married. There are many many people of all races and creeds that worked hard day in and day out because that was the right thing to do, and because they had a strong sense of integrity. However I know especially in this day and age, people hit hard times, and as a single parent, those times come five times as fast, because there is only one person to count on.
No person in their right mind would without great and deep thought have a child alone. I pray daily for strength, courage and fortitude to be all that i need to be for my children. And as much as I cry when it comes, I will never feel sorry for myself nor wonder why me.
I chose my life and I put into place the circumstances. How i react to those always is within my control.
Just as I teach my daughter right and wrong, I teach her that while she should have a strong moral compass, it is not her place to stand in judgement of anyone, that remains on God's shoulders alone.
My parents love is going into it's 41st year. I am thankful that they were able to be steadfast and choose love over comfort, and were able through example to instill that in us.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

"You're single and

“You’re single and pregnant…so…
”I’m single and pregnant. Translated means, not married, one name on my lease. And no, the father didn’t bronze my pee stick. He’s my hot friend that I’ve slept with, here and there, heavy emphasis on the here and there for the last fourteen years. We tried the traditional dating and never lasted for more than a month, yet have a definite bond.. That everyone else talks about even when we’ve been oblivious. The morning after the night of the “deed” (feel free to insert a more graphic term suitable to your imagination and taste) I called him and informed him that we had to cease and desist. (aka no more nookie nookie) He agreed and I called my best friend excited that we finally had agreed to leave each other alone.
A few weeks later the flashing preggers appeared on the digital stick. Contrary to what you might think up to this point, I don’t advise single parenthood as a first choice. Any mother will tell you motherhood is a dual position in an optimum environment. Going it alone requires a measure of insanity and fortitude not easily found in the female population, but readily available within me.
15 weeks into this pregnancy has been ideal and my emotions constant and cheerful thanks now to my love of everything food. Especially ranch dressing. I talk to the dad a little more often now, even discussing names and parenting styles. We don’t hate each other and he will be a present father, dare I say a wonderful dad. I’m not bothered by the stares or the silences that come with my announcement or the lack of real joy because of my single status. I’m 40 and thankfully haven’t worried too much about public opinion since tenth grade when I dropped the baton during the state championships in the 4 x400 relay. My exuberance doesn’t mean I lack fear or sadness, it only conveys what my mom has always told me..

”What you feel is most of what you are.”

And I feel blessed. Even single and pregnant.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i love being pregnant..

even though sleep is never enough, my hips are baby having hips now, my nose i think is most defintely wider, yet in still i laugh much more, am more relaxed, able to see alot more good than bad, more forgiving of everyone and anything, and unable no matter how and what way i look at this, to see it as a bad thing..

no matter what coat it comes in, it's a blessing.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I officially bid adieu to my waistline yesterday...with a touch of

sadness..yeah, I know...selfish, but hey, I'm honest..I opened up my trunk and with one flick of my wrist, tossed away my beloved 25 and 26 inch waisted True Religion jeans. then I went back upstairs to focus my energies on my favorite pregnancy passion...eating...i wish i could just jump into a pool of ranch dressing and live there...I can't get enough! and when not dreaming in ranch, I am staring at my ultrasound, proudly already determing that he has his father's profile..:)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

dreamt oatmeal and woke up tired

...but no one ever said growing a baby was easy. I've pulled over into the exhausted lane of life, happily, and figure it's a prelude for the next eight years of life with boy. My obsession with all things food I type I am dreaming of the oatmeal and how yummy it will taste, picturing what is exactly in my frig now and looking forward to my morning scramled egg whites, grapefruit and toast with oj.

My daughter continues to lift up my superwoman cape for me when I am more content to shove it in the back of the closet, she hugs me and her baby brother more than usual, talks into my belly button and tells me what a great momma I am..

and I can't help but remembering the joy I felt when I first saw her face, how instantly i understood what uncondtional love was staring into her in that split second how I wanted to be better and more....
I would rather walk blind with faith than eyes wide open with fear...I figure if I'm not a little scared, I'm not really human...

just makes me a parent...this is one of my favorite pictures of my dad and my brother..just because..

Monday, March 2, 2009

that wasn't gas! that was baby field goal kicks!

My eggs are old, I'm old, everything should hurt, I'll be outta breath, tired, crazy and did i fail to mention?


If you want to get really jazzy add single....The warning labels are plastered everywhere.. " Be happy! long as you are under 40...other wise...

"get your med alert bracelet and brace for impact.."

okay I am joking..kind of...but believe it or not, I feel BETTER with this pregnancy at 40 than I did with my daughter at 27 and with her I lost the 35 pounds in three weeks, she slept through the night from day one and never ever wet the bed...

Alot has to do that it's safe to say I am a wee bit saner this time around...more mature, less likely to give a flying ....about the blank amd silent stares directed to my empty left finger when I say i'm preggers...dare i be....

Happy?? and 40????


that's what I am..and so is my baby BOY!!!.

.he gives me baby field goal kicks at night and keeps me so happy the other 23 hours of the day that I imagine six another lifetime...( no Octo mom here..) I like being pregnant!...even at 40..Today my doctor is going to humor me and let me know if I have a linebacker or ...not..:)

Either way, I'll still be 40...and defintely...stillhappy.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

sleep and my waistline have offically left the building..

I guess that is my trade off for no morning sickness...Getting comfortable is impossible..body pillow, the couch, the " correct " sleep styles...all yuk...between my Mt Everest sized boobs and my expanding waistline..sleep has officially left the building.. I cat nap..and when lucky find a few moments where sleep is perfect, golden, before I have to get up to go to my favorite place..

the bathroom...

Being the exclusive caterer and hotel for my little baby boy( remember, this is my reality..) is going to require some great eye cream, but come September will all be worth it..